Humility vs humiliation

I'm learning; I'm growing.... I'm figuring out how to recognize my great qualities; figuring out how to see myself through kind, forgiving eyes rather than under the unflinching glare of total scrutiny with which I typically choose to evaluate myself. (I have always been my harshest critic.)

It's not easy...... Life's a process and I am, as always, a work in progress. But I know myself better now than I did this time last year. And that's good. In fact, it's all good... It took me a while to figure that out, but I am finally at peace with it.

The only opinion of me that really matters is the one I have of myself. And today made me see that I am a confident, attractive (albeit perhaps NOT in the traditional sense of that word), vivacious woman who has many talents to offer this world.

I have finally come to understand that humility is honorable; humiliation is not. And so, for what it's worth - (and that's probably not much. Ha!) -  here is my advice to you:
Don't speak so unkindly about yourself. Ok, so perhaps you don't fit Hollywood's definition of "success" or "beauty" but you have qualities and talents that make you absolutely unique; that make you truly invaluable on this crazy fucked up planet we call earth. We all have the power to make a difference - be it little or be it earth-shattering. Find your passions; seek out your talents.... pursue those things that bring joy to your soul; reach out and find ways to help those around you.... whether they be neighbors, friends, members of your community or strangers halfway around the globe.

Give without expecting anything in return; love without holding back; be silly, be a little crazy, stop worrying about what others will think of you; and never, ever take life for granted because, as recent events have certainly taught me, the cold reality is indeed that none of us know what's around the corner...

TIME

I think there comes a time in everyone's life when they realize that life is just too damn short to not do the things they really want to do.

Every time I hear of someone whose life has been taken from them at far too young of an age, I get sad.

Sad & ANGRY.

But anger is a useless emotion unless it motivates you to something else.

And so, today, in honor of all those who have been brutally taken from this earth too soon at the hands of another human being, I choose to use my anger at these injustices to motivate me to live my life a little more fully.... to stop doubting myself; to stop over-thinking shit; to stop waiting until I'm thin enough / pretty enough; to stop looking for permission to pursue the things I want to pursue....

Life is to be lived. How you live it is what's important. Be thankful; show gratitude; extend kindness; laugh loudly; lend a helping hand..... Relish new experiences; welcome new adventures; seek new opportunities; HAVE FUN; and finally, get off your arse and do those things you've always wanted to do.

NO REGRETS.

LIFE JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER

Never has it been more apparent to me that what matters most in life is not how much you earn, how big your house is, how many vacations you take, what you drive or how many of the latest gadgets you own.

This is not news to me, or to most of you, but sometimes money (or indeed the lack of it) has a way of drawing much more of your focus & energy than you would like it to. I have been in both situations - having lots of money, and NOT having lots of money. But one thing I have learned, and been shown repeatedly, is that no matter what your current financial circumstances are, you can live a wonderful, fulfilling, enlightening, joyful life. And never have I been more grateful or conscious of my numerous blessings than I am this year.

This year represents many things to me. A turning point of sorts in lots of ways. A desire, determination and drive to finally pursue things that have, until now, simply been vague dreams. Perhaps, though, the most surprising and rewarding aspect has been discovering an undeniable passion for something I would previously have never even dreamed of considering doing.

Being open to new things and being willing to let yourself be "led" into some unfamiliar areas can unlock whole new worlds of opportunities. These new endeavors I am now undertaking are, at times, yanking me so far out of my comfort zones that it truly can be dizzying, but I can honestly say that I am having the time of my life.

What else has amazed me this year, and continues to astound me in delightful ways, is how awesome people can be. People you barely know. People who, for whatever reason, decide to give a little of themselves, in ways that may appear insignificant to an outsider's eye but, to those of us on the receiving end of such small acts of kindness, they have a substantial and lasting impact. And yes, I am talking to you, Twitterers.

Here's the thing, it is so easy to be nasty, to attack, to insult, to criticize on Twitter, but, for the most part, what I see instead are numerous instances of people being incredibly nice to each other -- encouraging words, promotion of each other's endeavors/projects, a supportive high-five here and there, someone telling you that you're fabulous just when you needed a little pick-me-up; people willing to offer their insights and advice; virtual strangers taking time to make you laugh, or even kick you up the ass when you need it (done in the nicest way, of course).

So, to all of you who have ever shown ME such kindnesses, THANK YOU! And keep doing what you're doing Tweeplets... keep being good to each other....Y'all are awesome :)

3 SUPERSTARS AMONGST A BED OF SLOTHS

My latest Twitter survey got rather a poor response. I blame my followers, of course. They have become lackadaisical. I don't think they understand how HARD I WORK to try to keep them entertained. And it's not like I get paid for this shi treasure trove of wit, humor and good will that I freely bestow. Ingrates, the lot of 'em. Well, not ALL of them....

Here are the five stunningly intelligent and thought-provoking questions. A little later I will post (in the comments) the responses from my three superstar followers who stand out from amongst the bed of sloths. In the meantime, feel free to add your own responses in the comment section below. And no, you don't have to answer all five. Four will be fine; three's adequate. Two, you're taking the piss. One would be an insult.

1. What's the furthest you have ever driven? (What city to what city?)
2. What is the stupidest self-inflicted injury you have ever incurred? (Shutting own fingers in car door, etc., etc.)
3. If you could dine in any city in the world, which would you choose?
4. What's the greatest number of times you have listened to one song on repeat? Which song was it?
5. If you could have one superpower, what would you choose? (Be creative now!)

BRING BACK TALKING!!!!

I just posted on Twitter that I want to return to talking to people -- I mean ACTUALLY talking with them. With voices - either in person, or on the phone. Because while I love all this tweeting and emailing, it has a distinct downside: it stays around to haunt and taunt you.

Yes, I know, I've always quite LIKED the fact that written communication can be archived - and, in some cases, even searched at a later date, which can certainly lead to a spot of enjoyable and humorous reminiscing - but ultimately I think the negatives outweigh this positive. Hear me out....

In a normal, spoken conversation, there are often awkward moments where one of the parties involved says something without thinking - BLURT; out it comes. There's typically a brief period of obvious discomfort but after the initial embarrassment, conversation resumes and, unless you just told the other person their mother is a whore (or something similarly unforgettable), you can be fairly sure no-one will remember two weeks later, or even two hours later, what exactly was said.

NOT SO with tweets and emails. The other person can revisit your faux pas / momentary lapse of judgment / uninhibited nonsense as many times as they choose. And each time they read it, it serves to help them form an opinion of you. This means that if you're anything like me, and you happen to be a tad too eager with your typing fingers and rather hasty with that "send" button, then you are going to develop quite a reputation in a relatively short time.

So let me ask you this... Do you think that your tweets and emails are an accurate representation of who you are as a person?

A very smart man (who I actually "know" only through Twitter) recently was "talking" (tweeting) with me about how English IS a tonal language and he is 100% correct. So much of our communication is transmitted in HOW we say things - we rely on the tone of voice and, in many instances, also body language, to convey the true meaning of what is being said. You take away those aspects from a conversation and you are left with a woefully incomplete and often very inaccurate picture of the intent of an individual's words.

There are other reasons why written conversations are less than desirable, plus one or two reasons why they are, in their own way, GREAT, but I am too tired to continue now, so I will end here. I am quite sure I shall continue tweeting and emailing, albeit rather more carefully, with perhaps more thought given before I hit that "send" button.

Epiphanies & Clichés

Nothing earth-shattering.... Just a smattering of random thoughts from my brain this week:

I can be totally awesome. 

I can be a total f***ing idiot.

Comfort zones can be oh so difficult to leave, but the reward of breaking out of them is worth every cut, scrape, bruise & stumble along the way.

Ask sincerely, listen intently, learn willingly, then act promptly. Knowledge should translate into ACTION!

SETTING GOALS WORKS!

No-one could ever come close to being as hard on me as I am on myself.

People are FASCINATING. (Some more than others, admittedly.)

Two of the greatest things you can possess are self-confidence and self-respect.

DO THEM NOW! (Those things that keep getting put off until "the time is right")

Empathy is a great attribute, but it can take a personal toll on you.

Kindness is NEVER wasted.

The danger of letting someone see/know your weaknesses is that they will then possess all the ammunition required to hurt you the most.

Trust pretty much trumps everything in my book. 

We all need people in our lives who challenge us.

We all need people in our lives who will play and laugh with us.

One person REALLY CAN make a difference. 

Friends can be an excellent source of guidance & support, but ultimately you must be willing to step out and do things on your own.

And finally, as the song says... When you get the choice to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance....

Like I said, nothing earth-shattering... just me mumbling and musing my way through life...

MY INTERVIEW WITH SHOSHANNAH STERN

As some of you are aware, I have a list of people (in the right hand column of this blog) who I would love to interview. Last week, I had the amazing opportunity to move one of those names into the "People I have LOVED interviewing" list, thanks to the most talented and incredibly gracious actress Shoshannah Stern.  Here is the interview, in its entirety:

What made you decide to join Twitter? What do you hope your interaction on Twitter will achieve?

A friend of mine told me I should try it out. I was skeptical at first but I think it's an amazing resource. It makes it so easy to share information.  It's a great way to let people know what I'm up to. The PSA for DeafHope exemplifies that, along with the warm welcome I got when I joined Lie to Me. I hope it becomes an expansion of what I try to do with my life, which is to educate and learn as much as I possibly can.

Do you feel social media has the power to educate a large number of people; to change people’s attitudes and perceptions? Or is it too superficial and fleeting to have a lasting impact? (I can honestly say, however, that you have done, and continue to do, much to educate ME about the Deaf Community via Twitter and I sincerely appreciate this.)

I can only hope that it does. I believe anybody can change, but only if they want to. In order to shift perceptions, the people behind them have to first recognize that they may be skewed. I've seen firsthand that this is often a very difficult thing for people to do. I don't ever want to shove things down people's throats.  I don't think that's the way to do things. A lot of people use social media to talk about how bored they are, and that's fine, too. It's there to use the way people wish, for better or for worse.

How did you become involved in doing the PSA for DeafHope?

The recent CEO of DeafHope, Julie Rems-Smario, who has recently left for another position, was a former teacher of mine. We remained in touch and she asked me to come to the very first fundraiser for their organization, called Glimmer of Hope, almost ten years ago.  I thought the organization was amazing and I told her that she could count on me for anything she'd need me to do for them in the future. I was thrilled when she took me up on that. I flew out to give a keynote speech at a banquet and do an autograph session, then I did a couple of performances of The Vagina Monologues for them with a mix of professional actors and women from the community, which was another amazing experience. I was going to be in Northern California, where they were based, for the NAD Gala welcoming the new CEO, Howard Rosenblum, so I asked if there was anything I could do for them while I was there, and we came up with the PSA.

What charities are near and dear to your heart?

DeafHope, definitely.  I've also done things for NAD, the National Association of the Deaf, which I just mentioned, and just appeared at a fundraiser for GLAD, Greater Los Angeles Agency on Deafness, which my friend Ken Paves hosted. I also donate to the Humane Society and the ASPCA and I'm always signing petitions on Change.org, mostly in regards to the environment and animals. I also just did something for VH1 Save the Music in association with a movie I did, Adventures of Power.

You sign in ASL… Do you also sign in any foreign languages, or International Sign Language?

I dabble.  My sister lives in London, and she's fluent in British Sign Language.  Every time I go over there, I relearn it and improve, then when I get back, I stop using it so I promptly forget.  I worked in Rome one summer when I was in college, so I picked up some Italian Sign Language, which I have also forgotten.  I think I might be better at International Sign Language which is what I tend to fall back on when I'm abroad.

Have you ever had an embarrassing signing/interpreting misunderstanding?

Oh, yeah. There are a lot of really amazing interpreters out there but there are also some really bad ones. There have been times where I've done press and then when the articles came out, I've just done a complete double take. That's probably why I try to do most interviews through email so I can have some control over my words. American Sign Language and English are completely different languages with distinct structures, so it's not the easiest thing. The person interpreting for you has to know you and capture your voice, so if I have to do press, I have to make sure it's with an interpreter I know and trust.

I believe you have previously said you are fourth generation deaf in your family. Is this from your paternal or maternal side of the family, or both?

Fourth on my paternal side and third on my maternal side.

You seem to have been raised in an extremely loving home. You speak very fondly of your family. You have also said your sister has always been an inspiration to you. How integral has your family’s support been to your success as an actress?

It has everything to do with it. My family made me who I am as a person, in a thousand different myriad ways. The biggest thing has to be the direct communication I got from the moment I was born, but a lot has to do with me just being able to discover my personality and who I wanted to be. I've never really thought of myself as deaf first, just myself first, and I've tried to make my acting career an extension of that. Books were also a huge deal in my house, and that gave me gateways to imagination and other worlds that I could explore, and that had a huge impact on me as a well.

What has been your most challenging acting role to date?

Sarah in Children of a Lesser God, onstage at Deaf West. I had to change the way I did everything, from the way I signed to the way I mouthed words, to the way I stood and how I held myself, even the way I spoke. I would go home after the show and not be able to sleep because of how emotional I would be after a show.

What has been your most fun role?

I always try to have fun in everything that I do, but Jericho was amazing. I got to get shot at, shoot guns, ride horses, drive pickup trucks and not be surprised if I needed to park next to tanks and helicopters when I went to work.

If you could work with any director in the industry right now, who would you choose and why?

Ang Lee, I think.  Hard choice, but I love his use of silence.

Primarily because I know so many Lie To Me fans will want to know… what was it like working with Tim Roth?

It was crazy. When I was twelve years old I had to work on a project called a Memory Book, where I had to visualize where I would be as an adult.  In it, I said that I would be an actor and I would work with Tim Roth. Because of that, it was very hard not to get ahead of myself when I met him.  I had to tell myself to be careful not to project whatever image I had of him on who he really was going to be as a person, but he turned out to be this amazingly warm, gentle, funny soul.  It was just amazing working with him.  I don't know any other way to describe it.

Do you recall a favorite contribution you made to the blooper reel in any of your roles?

There have been a few!  I think the two that stand out was when I fell down a spiral staircase shooting a film. I hit every step on the way down. Another one was on Lie to Me shooting a scene with Tim. Simply put, he walked in, didn't like the entrance, said a favorite word of his, then walked out. I decided to translate it.

As a Deaf actress, what frustrates you most about Hollywood / the film & TV industry / the entertainment business as a whole?

I think it's the same thing that frustrates me with people in general, kind of like what I said about social media. They often aren't willing to recognize that their own personal perspective may not be authentic. Either that, or they don't care because they know they can get away with having their perspective being the way it is.

What helps you stay positive & keep things in perspective in the often-brutal world of being an actor?

I think back on people who I've met along the way who do get it and have urged me to stay the course.  I remind myself that if these people exist, there are going to be more of them out there.  It's just one foot in front of the other.  On bad days, maybe it's going to be a very slow trudge, but sooner than later, an awesome day is going to come along where you're going to be skipping.  You just have to take the trudges to get to the skips.

Can you tell me about any upcoming projects you have in the works?

I have a movie coming out in theaters this fall called Hamill. It's a biopic based on the life of Matt Hamill, who is currently an UFC fighter. He was one of the first, maybe the only, deaf person to ever win a national championship, which he did as a wrestler in college. I play Kristi, who serves as his love interest in the film, and who Matt eventually married in real life and had a daughter with.  I'm also attached to a short film that should start shooting next month. Besides that, I wrote my first script this year.  I'm starting to shop it around a bit, and hopefully when it's ready it'll turn into something tangible.

And finally, some totally random questions:

Did you ever get a favorite toy as a child that made you so happy that you can still perfectly picture in your mind the moment you received/opened it?

Yes. Dolly Bear, my first teddy bear. She was worn out by the time I was twelve, so she was retired. Her successor's name is Leopold. I still have him.

When was the last time you flew a kite and who were you with?

I think it had to be the kite festival in Fremont when I was in middle school with my family.  I just read about it a few years ago in The Kite Runner, which is partially based in my hometown.

What’s the craziest piece of clothing you have ever worn in public?

I used to walk around in a pair of white furry boots and think I was very cool.

Who can make you laugh, no matter how bad of a mood you may be in?

My sister.

Do you keep a journal? Do you have any journals / diaries / letters from your ancestors? How important do you think it is for people to learn about their heritage?

Not anymore, but I used to.  Acting, writing, and my art are my journals now, so to say.  I keep almost all of my letters.  I think heritage is an essential thing.  My mother is flying to Vienna with my father to visit her mother's hometown for the first time in a couple of days, and I can't wait to hear about it.

What place brings back wonderful memories of your childhood? (Could be a vacation spot; a neighborhood hangout; etc.)

It's not really a place, but people, smells, and things.  I left my hometown almost twelve years ago and have only been back a couple times since then. I think memories stay with the people, not with the environment.

Were you rather a tomboy growing up or were you a "girly-girl"?

A little bit of both. I always loved dolls and frilly dresses, but I also loved soccer and swimming and running around and getting as dirty as possible.

What other jobs have you had? Or has acting always been your sole focus?

I was a teacher. I still am. I've taught everything from kindergarten to college. Right now I still teach at a local university, but acting is where my passion is.

Any pet peeves?

Like I said, [people’s] resistance to learning.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how good are your dancing skills?

Depends on how you judge it. I prefer to dance on the silly side. I don't think dancing is something that should be taken seriously.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how good are your driving skills?

Depends on who you ask.

Name three things that are within arms reach of you right now…

My water bottle, my camera, and my appointment book.

If you were to describe your temperament in three words, what would they be?

I hate talking about myself so I asked my friend Jimmy.  He said, "Entertaining, loving, and kind."

Is/was there a particular teacher or mentor who helped make you the person you are today? Do they know how influential they are/were in your life?

There have been many. I always try to tell people as a general rule how much they mean to me, so I hope they know.